Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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