corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I didn't notice because vodka
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
