are you still at the devil's house?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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