That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
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