why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize