4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize