is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
