she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Do you remember whose house we're in?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
