you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
