if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
