Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
