dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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