Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
This house was built for laser tag.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
