we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
