who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
