ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
