dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
