I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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