I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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