He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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