He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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