Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
