I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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