i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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