Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
