fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize