my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
