just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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