No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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