I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
