There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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