i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
