Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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