I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize