I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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