I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
