who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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