If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
