I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
