Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
