my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
