the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
