Someone shit on the floor
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
