And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
