i need an iv and a liver transplant
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
