I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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