someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
