i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
