I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
