I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
