How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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