i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
