Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
