If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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