You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
