you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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