I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
