I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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