Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
