She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
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