My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Ketchup is God's man juice
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
There's a naked man in my car right now.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
