theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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