burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just forgot I was standing up.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
