ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You were trust falling into bushes
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
